Everything is moving so fast, and I hardly know how to hold onto it all!
Felestrien decided to grease the palms of the magistry and inquire about the status of his marriage. I suppose I figured he'd be told that the bond was unbreakable; that there was nothing that could be done. I'm so used to the rules and customs of our people working against us, that I never stopped to think of ways that I could make it work for us. Luckily, Felly has intelligent friends, such as one Fnor Morningstar, who are better at this kind of manipulation than I am. Fnor inquired with his attorney, and received a prompt answer last night.
According to old law, a marriage is only held binding if the separation is agreed upon by both parties. If one party leaves within the first year, it's invalid. Null! He has to have the Notice of Dissolution posted for 10 days, but after that? Well, after that he's free. He'll be single, and all the objections I've had to stop him for bedding me will dissolve, too. It's been important to me that we not take that final step until he's free and clear...the very last thing that I want is to be seen as a homewrecker. But now? Now he'll be waiting, like a tiger, just waiting to pounce.
I have to admit, there is a part of me that wonders if maybe I should really set him free...force him to be on his own. The way he speaks makes it sound like he's never been truly free to do as he wishes. I think it would do him some good...to explore and learn what kind of man he is when he isn't living under the expectations of others. I suppose I worry that he'll wake up one day and resent me, having realized that he simply switched one chain for another. I don't want that! I don't want him to be stunted. I want him to live his life freely, and to choose me freely, not out of simple gratitude.
I think I'm worried that his feelings for me could be springing from his lonliness, his neglect, his heartbreak. I made him feel better, yes, but is he really happier simply belonging to another woman? What happens when the pain is just a dusty memory? What if he decides one day that he'd rather taste the women of the world? What will I do then? I know how I feel about him, I know that I want to be by his side, but what if it would be better for him to be free?
I wish I had the answer.
((A newer entry is written beneath, hastily scrawled in an excited hand.))
I am a fool to doubt him! Mere hours after I penned this page, he sent me a package, and within it lay the most beautiful arrangement! First lay a Flamecap, around it were sprigs of Sanguine Hibiscus, and beneath it all, Ancient Lichen. He knows herbs...surely, certainly he knows their meanings!
, for a declaration of interest.
What have I done to deserve such a man?